Conflicts arise when we see our personal values or needs threatened or unfulfilled. Particularly intense reactions occur in cases where events trigger strong emotions in us, when they virtually push our “buttons.” Our internal evaluation of events is essentially responsible for our reactions in this context and not necessarily the events or situations themselves. 

Every behavior has its origin in a need.

That means, if we cannot understand another person’s behavior, then we do not really understand that person’s values, beliefs, or needs. Even when the other person’s behavior seems aggressive and inappropriate to us, it originates from a need. 

Thus, to understand a conflict, it is important to find out what the need is that is not fulfilled at that moment and which causes the other person to behave in this way. Imagine the entire situation as an iceberg. The top is visible behavior, while below we will find our values, personal convictions, and needs that significantly influence and shape visible behavior on the surface. 

Really understanding behavior

So what happens when two icebergs collide? As long as you concentrate on the behavior above the surface, which frequently is reactive, you are unlikely to make much progress in conflicts. Only when you understand what each other's interests really are, what is below the surface of values, needs, and beliefs, will you succeed in understanding why someone behaves the way they do.

Understanding that other people’s behavior is based on needs and convictions that are just as justified as our own values, convictions, and needs will ideally lead to a basic attitude that states: I am generally saying “Yes” to the person with whom I am in conflict, even if we disagree on the contents. I may disagree entirely, yet still say 100 percent “yes” to the other person.

There are two levels of conflict management

1. the level of contents, of the topic of the conflict
2. the level of the relationship

At the level of contents and subject matter, I can clearly disagree and work on finding a solution. On the relationship level, I uncompromisingly and consistently say “yes” to other people. Therefore, I consistently separate problems and people from each other. I trust that you will increase your personal efficiency with this impulse and really take off.