Imagine the interaction between people as an iceberg. What is above the water is the tip that is clearly visible to us. We can imagine this to be the factual level. These are numbers, data, and facts, or visible behavior. The tip of the iceberg is everything that we can perceive right away.

The other part lies below the water. In terms of interaction, this is the part that is frequently below our threshold of consciousness. To view more, we need to dive in and thus look closely – right at the relationship level. And just like with an iceberg, this is the larger, more substantial, and therefore more important part.

What happens on the relationship level?

The relationship level reflects what frequently happens unconsciously when people are interacting. It tells you what you think about the person you’re dealing with and the values that are arising. This is also where emotions are developing  that influence and control above-surface behavior. Unexplained resistance, anger, fears, and anxieties often play out on the relationship level and act like stumbling blocks on the way to the factual level, making it all the more difficult to make progress.

Imagine you’re holding a meeting with the focus on the factual level. You might even mention, “Let's stay on topic, please!” This is how you’re consciously trying to exclude emotions. Will this succeed? Most certainly not! During the meeting, employees are communicating with each other, and some of them may feel misunderstood or even attacked. Nevertheless, nobody says anything. While you are talking, everyone nods in agreement, although subconsciously negative emotions are already forming. At the latest when you are implementing your plans, you will notice the potential for conflict and the inconsistencies that were not revealed during the meeting. So, take a closer look.

Signs of irritations on the relationship level

Watch for non-verbal signs. Body language acts like a mirror of feelings. Employees who are rolling their eyes are certainly not impressed by the tasks assigned to them. Pay particular attention to changes. Individuals crossing their arms from the beginning may just do so for comfort. It is an entirely other thing when they slowly turn away during the meeting or avoid eye contact. It is very important to be aware of these signals.

On a verbal level, for example, irritations manifest themselves in a rougher tone and a louder voice. Excessive sarcasm should also serve as a warning sign, since accumulated emotions are camouflaged with humor. Pay attention to the “but” as well. Whenever someone answers with “but,” this indicates resistance and therefore an increased potential for conflict.

Convincing correctly

So, if you’re able to perceive both the factual and the relationship level, you will be able to prevent irritations. The golden rule is to ask questions. “John, what is your position on this topic? How does this idea feel to you?” If you ask open-ended questions, you give the other person the opportunity to address any irritations or disturbances.

The relationship level is therefore the key area where influencing and mobilizing of others takes place. Consider this: What sets an iceberg in motion? The wind blowing against its tip, or the currents below the water surface? Exactly. It should therefore be our objective to drain the water and to make the iceberg more and more visible. After all, only what is conscious can be controlled – what remains unconscious will control us.