Every one of us of us has interpersonal problems. There are people who are hoping that communication techniques and methods will be a quick “fix” of their interpersonal problems. In my work, for example, leaders are asking me questions such as: “What are the techniques that I can use to assert myself better? Which methods make me quick-witted? What can I do to influence others better?” I can most certainly comprehend that in a leadership position you want more self-efficacy. This approach does not go far enough, however. You will still only remain on the behavioral level –  and thus on the surface of what is actually important.

Use techniques & methods only to a limited extent

There is no question that techniques and methods are important in communication. For example, if you have a conversation with high conflict potential, it is very helpful to know options for de-escalation. Any technique is useless, however, if you do not have the appropriate basic attitude. The reason: The inner attitude permeates every spoken word and every sentence. It has a direct influence on the quality of questions and of listening. And thus on the quality of the entire conversation. And people have very fine antennas to feel that.

Recommendations on attitudes in communication

In the following, I would like to give you some recommendations on how you can succeed in adopting an attitude that encourages conversation. Take a closer look at the topics listed below.

1. Reversibility
   Consider whether you would be able to accept ”without injury” yourself whatever it is that you want to say.  Take into consideration that whatever you would like to say, would also not “cause any distress” for yourself. If you are unsure about this or your answer is “no,” you should find different wording that preserves the relationship. There is a simple question that you can ask yourself: Is whatever I would like to say friendly, is it helpful, is it necessary? If the answer is no, you are better off not saying it.
    
2. Symmetry
   What is the proportion of speaking in the exchange with the conversation partner? Are you talking from an attitude of equivalence, or “from top down”? A conversation on an equal footing is based on a balanced proportion of speaking and listening. Symmetry is possible as a basic attitude. Even in an appraisal meeting as a leader.
    
3. Authenticity
   Are you presenting yourself as the person you are? Also in your role as a leader? The condition for this is a climate in which you individuals may say what they are thinking and feeling without a fear of negative consequences. Authenticity generates contact and trust. Masking, on the other hand, promotes distrust and distance. The most commonly used “masks” in conversational situations are attack, blame, and acting as a victim. They are supposed to serve as protection from everything. Authenticity in conversation means speaking from inner conviction and admitting vulnerability, which most certainly requires courage, but at the same time greatly increases credibility and trust.
    
4. Empathy
   Seeing the world from the point of view of others requires empathy. It is most evident in questions that relate to the conversation partner and in real, active listening to understand – not for the purposes of responding or winning. If you are facing a very angry customer, however, the ability to empathize alone is surely not enough. Then, above all, you need the willingness to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are talking to. This is the only way to create empathic and thus dialogue-promoting behavior.
    
5. Credibility
   Are you doing what you promise to do? That’s when you are credible. Demand only from others what you would demand of yourself. This includes that you clearly inform about the reason and the objective of a conversation and that you stand by what you have said or assured.
    
6. Respect and goodwill
   These two active attitudes signal your willingness to solve problems. And on top, it signals it in such a way that in the end there is neither a winner nor a loser, but there are only winners.
    
7. Solution orientation
   Every situation and challenge can be approached in a problem-oriented or in a solution-oriented way. When using a problem-oriented approach, you want to understand why something happened and who is to blame for it, thus making it predominantly oriented towards the past. A solution-oriented approach directs attention to the future, to possible solutions. The focus can be shifted away from the problem and towards potential solutions by asking the conversation partner appropriate questions, such as “What exactly has happened, what must be done now, and what can we learn from it in the future?”

Techniques and methods are helpful, but they cannot replace any of these basic attitudes. In fact, the opposite is true. If there is no appropriate basic attitude, most techniques and methods will even remain ineffective, or scratch the surface at best. Your path to better, more effective communication will therefore always lead inside first.