Communication is something that is often taken for granted, however. We start communicating at a very young age. In nonverbal form already right after birth and later also by using words. Many people therefore feel that communication is something they have always done – so what should they optimize? Many also believe that they only have to say what they are thinking and they will automatically be understood. Regrettably, however, one of the most common errors when it comes to interpersonal communication is to believe that it has taken place.

More than just words

Konrad Lorenz, a well-known Austrian behavioral scientist, once said: “What is thought is not yet said, What is said is not properly heard, What is heard is not properly understood, What is understood is not always accepted, What is accepted is not always applied, What is applied is not always kept.” Steve de Shazer, a U.S. psychologist, summed it up as follows: “In communication, there are only more or less helpful misunderstandings.” In other words, the case that what we say and mean is understood exactly in the way we mean it is actually the exception. This is why careless communication is often fertile ground, not only for misunderstandings, but also for resulting conflicts.

Conversely, careful, respectful, and high-quality communication is the best way to solve conflicts quickly, respectfully, and in a solution-oriented manner. But what actually is communication?

The right way to communicate – technology shows the way

I like to use a technical term to describe what communication is about: synchronization. If I synchronize two electronic devices such as a laptop and a smartphone, then I am obtaining the same level of information on both devices.

Therefore, this term is also suitable to cover the purpose of communication. It is a synchronization process. If real communication has taken place, in good quality, the participants will be synchronized. Then they not only have the same level of information, but also the same understanding of what was discussed. Not only do they assume that they have the same understanding, but they know it because they have verified and ensured it. This is something that happens automatically in the communication between electronic devices and constitutes an essential part of synchronization: the permanent verification that the information received is exactly the same as the information sent.

We humans are mastering this far too rarely, far too inconsistently. Sometimes, we may ask, “Is everything clear? Do you understand what I mean?” And our conversation partner responds, “Yes” and confirms it. But what do I really know now that my conversation partner has confirmed this to me? Actually, nothing. Well, at least I know the other person thinks to have understood me. Only this assessment is based on that person’s own understanding of what we discussed. And if this understanding is not the same as mine, then that person can still be convinced to have understood me, but we are not reliably synchronized.

It is therefore advisable to ask other questions. Open-ended questions, such as, “In your opinion, what are sensible steps to take now? What will you do after our meeting?” so as to gain more certainty that the level of understanding is the same. Or we may ask for a short summary of the key points from the other person’s point of view. Another option: I can offer to briefly summarize what I have understood and thus invite the other person to do the same.

It is important to ensure in an adequate way and depending on context and hierarchical levels that we are synchronized, thus guaranteeing the same understanding – not just presuming it. We thereby also assume responsibility for the quality of communication, both as a transmitter and as a receiver.