Interaction between humans is comparable to an iceberg. Above the surface of the water we see the top, the factual level. This includes numbers, data, facts, and visible behavior. Like an iceberg, however, there is also a large part that lies below the surface and thus below the threshold of consciousness. That is the relationship level. We are often unaware of what is going on there.  

And just like an iceberg, this is not only the larger, but also the more significant and thus more important part. The relationship level means everything that happens in interacting with other people. Values, beliefs, all kinds of emotions that influence and control behavior above the water surface. If disturbances occur on the relationship level that remain unexpressed, progress on the factual level can quickly become difficult.

Imagine the following situation: You are leading a meeting as usual focused on the task level. Then at some point, one of the participants states something that another participant feels strongly opposed to. The person feels attacked but does not say anything. Voilà, we already have a disturbance on the relationship level. This disturbance obviously has an impact on the course of the meeting on the factual level, but these disturbances are frequently not consciously perceived and consequently not addressed. At the end of the meeting, tasks are distributed, everyone says “yes” and nods approvingly. But nothing happens afterwards. On the factual level, everyone was nodding, but there were massive obstacles in the way on the relationship level, which made effective progress difficult.

Recognizing irritations on the relationship level

How can you recognize such irritations on the relationship level? Signs on the non-verbal level, i.e., body language signals, are often helpful. If people roll their eyes, suddenly turn away, or shake their head, this is already a very clear sign. Frequently, however, these signs are subtler such as avoiding eye contact.

But there are also signs on the verbal level when the tone turns a little rougher, the volume increases, and sarcasm becomes more and more commonplace. And when the word “but” appears more and more frequently. “But” signals resistance. When I say, “Yes, you're right, but...,” then I am actually saying, “No, you're not right. And I will explain to you why I am right.” So if you notice an increase in the word “but,” you can expect that the potential for conflict is slowly increasing.

Openly addressing irritations

Such irritations may be addressed with value-free, open questions. For example, you may ask, “Where do you stand on this subject right now? What do you think about it?” This will provide you with the opportunity to address possible irritations – and, if there is none, it’s even better.

Just as a real iceberg is moved by the currents below the waterline to change its direction, in interpersonal contact the essential influence and mobilization also takes place on the relationship level. Therefore, try to move the waterline of the iceberg, i.e., the threshold of consciousness, as low as possible so that as much of this important area becomes visible as possible. Because we can only control what we are aware of. What we are not aware of controls us. 

I trust that you will increase your personal efficiency with this impulse and really take off.